Smiles All Round.

Ellie Jay Turkana Grocott.

21.

I MISS THIS SO MUCH #randl14 #readingfestival

I MISS THIS SO MUCH #randl14 #readingfestival


“The bird, the pin, the song, the berries, the watch, the cracker, the dress that burst into flames. I am the mockingjay. The one that survived despite the Capitol’s plans. The symbol of the rebellion.”

“The bird, the pin, the song, the berries, the watch, the cracker, the dress that burst into flames. I am the mockingjay. The one that survived despite the Capitol’s plans. The symbol of the rebellion.”

(Source: whosjeangrey, via fuckyeahthehungergames)

I’m not sure where to write this, so I guess Tumblr would be my best bet.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I don’t know what has gone wrong for my existence to become this futile. All the friends I had have turned their backs on me. I’m constantly trying to keep in contact with the people I used to be close with, but I get repeatedly shot down. I’m lucky if I see someone once a month.

Is it personal? I’m not a nasty person, but I presume I’m seen that way. I’m coming to the end of my tether. I have no one to turn to, no best friend, no one to laugh with.

Yes, I have Lee, and he used to be wonderful. He is wonderful, but something has changed. I used to think he adored every bone in my body. Now I feel he see’s me as a chore. He doesn’t cherish me like he did.

I occasionally stumble across old posts about his ex that he used to write. Such kind words about someone that abused their position and broke his heart.

I thought we were different, but now I’m not so sure.

We’ve started arguing, he’s started calling me controlling and immature. I’ve tried pouring my heart out to him, but it’s all just forgotten the next day. I love him, I love him with all my being. But the romance is fading away and I’m so scared he’ll do what everyone else has done, forget about me and move on.

I have no friends to turn to about this. I have no friends to turn to full stop. Everytime I try to arrange something, even if it goes ahead, I still feel left out. Ridiculed.

Everytime I meet a new person, I feel judged. Intimidated. Laughed at.

I don’t want to seem like a whiny little emo kid, I’m not depressed. I’ve seen depression and what it can do to people. I’m confused, scared. Lonely. I wish I could turn back the clock.

I’m so sick of doing things for people and getting nothing in return.
I’m not doing these things for favours, or kindness, i do them because I want to but there’s only a certain amount of coldness I can take.

I really don’t know where to go from here, or how to get out of this dark hole life has thrown me into.